Not because your husband’s contribution is better than full-time employment (every family is different), or that his methods were defensible (you deserved some say), but because your insistence on wanting something you don’t have is making you miserable. Holding onto resentment makes a healthy, happy marriage impossible. Landscaping, home maintenance, plus the child care (huge expense) and driving and homework-wrangling and cleaning add up to significant cash. Copyright © 1995-2020 Psych Central. And my level of resentment is at an all-time high. Do you hold stay-at-home moms in the same dim regard as you hold your husband? I have never been able to work part-time because we can't afford for me to do so. #therabb_contain::after { font-family:"open sans condensed",arial,sans-serif; font-size:70%; background:#FFF;padding:0 9px;color:#999; margin-top:-55px; content:"(S P O N S O R E D)"; right:10px;position:absolute; } Relationship therapist Jane Greer, PhD, explains what spouse hatred and resentment really mean, and what to do about it. advertisement. S/he asks nicely, begs, gets angry, hopes s/he's planted a seed and gives it time. "My husband irritates me and makes me resentful. I feel stuck working and feeling fatigued and sick and really resent him. Even if you had time to be together it doesn’t sound like you want to around him. My Spouse Controls or Dominates In Sexual Ways. Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp: Want a more immediate answer from others like you? ... 3 Reasons Why You Resent Happy Couples . He had told me, throughout our marriage and the last month, that he wasn’t changing. The easy answers are money and sex, but neither would be exactly true, or at least not what has walked into my office or my life. “That trapped, hopeless, helpless feeling breeds resentment… Hate is only scary if you don’t do something to figure out how you got there. The lazy husband syndrome proves that a lazy husband leaves a mess behind in every room. Regardless, your resentment can’t be allowed to stand, and it stems directly from your choice to maintain your expectation that he work for pay. He drives them to school, picks them up at various times/places, after sports, etc. Dislike a man, then stay with him for 12 years and counting?” “Yes,” she agreed, “but again it’s not that simple, Mike. Resentment of Spouse Not Working/Retired Early, Learning To Trust Yourself Again After Betrayal, Many Seniors with Depression Faring Well During Pandemic. I figure, if he wants to come, he can pay his own way. I’ve worked from home most of the years of my 14 year marriage and, yes, my wife has gotten jealous more than once - especially in the beginning. (From the USA). My question is more fundamental than you’re working status: Do you want to remain together? The fact that you don’t even want to take a vacation with him speaks volumes. I’m so tired of working and paying all the household bills. Thank you so much. TL;DR; Husband resents me for not working, I resent him for resenting me. He has not earned one single dollar in 4 years and 3 months even though he has a masters degree. Morris agrees: “There is often a feeling of being trapped with someone you don’t like,” she says. He just bought a truck and said he needed to work to pay his car loan. A frustrated woman wrote about her current spouse, “He pouts if I refuse sex, even for legitimate reasons such as a bad headache or an illness. Over the days and weeks that followed, my husband stood his ground. Marriage is not a vegetable.” “I know. I even gave him some of the bills so he could take some responsibility. This was 5 years ago and as it is, I have no chance of retiring. And while she loves this new job, she adds that it’s not always easy working from home. It’s not a big fat 0. I think he is anxious about working as he has been retired for 7 1/2 years. Spouse has told me, “Sure, you can retire. i don't want to resent him, but I do.When we were first married we argued all the time. The truth, however, is that even one issue that generates a “5” might be enough to cause emotional disconnection. We paid for our wedding, honeymoon, trip to Mexico, $10,000 down on our newish vehicle, $5000 set aside for baby expenses (crib, stroller, etc.) It may be his upbringing affects how he views a … Instead of waiting for him to meet it, consider expecting — and tweaking as needed — exactly what you have. I think he is anxious about working as he has been retired for 7 1/2 years. I feel I need more boundaries with him and finances. Consumed with myself, I thought that marriage would work well if my idea of loving and serving my wife was being fixated on me. Carolyn Hax: I resent my husband for leaving the workforce While I’m grateful for all the things he does that aren’t money-related, I never agreed to be the only financial provider. Anything you’d hire out if he were employed outside the home counts as money saved. I am angry and becoming bitter and I don’t like me the way I am. Is that a wrong attitude? DEAR CAROLYN: My husband hasn’t worked for more than 10 years. I’m wish my husband would read this and get a clue. Startup Life Giving Your Spouse This 1 Thing Will Reduce Resentment Long-term resentment can sink a relationship, but just a few small changes can improve the dynamic. 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